A Very Muckey Christmas Parade

S2E7 A Very Muckey Christmas Parade
             Written by
    Chris Polo and Bruce Leister
 Copyright (c) 2022
Mucked-Up Productions
Mail@muckeylanding.com

             S2E5 A Very Muckey Christmas Parade
EXT.- ON THE STREET OUTSIDE THE MUCKEY LANDING MARKET, DINER
AND HARDWARE EMPORIUM
MUSIC - THEME SONG UNDER AND FADE INTO SFX
SFX - CROWD NOISES IN THE DISTANCE, THEN HARMON OPENING THE
STORE DOOR, CLOSING IT, AND RUNNING OVER TO VIRGIL, WHO'S
SITTING IN A FOLDING CHAIR ON THE CURB
                           HARMON
             Hey, Virg, sorry I'm late! Thanks for
             settin' up my chair.
SFX: HARMON SETTLES INTO A FOLDING CHAIR NEXT TO VIRGIL
                           VIRGIL
             Harmon, what the HELL is that all
             down the front of your pants?
                           HARMON
             Shit. I thought it was dark enough
             that nobody would see it. Does it
             show?
                           VIRGIL
             YEAH, it shows. What is it?
                           HARMON
             Pancake batter and maple syrup.
                           VIRGIL
             Pancake batter and -
                           HARMON
             Maple syrup. And egg yolk.
                           VIRGIL
             How the hell -
                           HARMON
             Oh, don't blame me, Virg. It was that
             damned dog of yours. He ran right
             under my feet while I was carrying a
             big ol' bowl of pancake batter to the
             cooler to let it rest overnight for
             tomorrow's breakfast. Batter went
             EVERYWHERE.
        
              VIRGIL
And the maple syrup and egg?
              HARMON
Well, after Aloysius tripped me --
which he did ON PURPOSE, I KNOW he
did --
              VIRGIL
Harmon, he's just a dog.
              HARMON
No, he's not, he's a furry little Dr.
Nope. He's got an evil mastermind
lair in the basement, 'cause he's
working with the cats to eliminate
mankind and take over the world.
              VIRGIL
Get on with it, what happened after
you tripped?
              HARMON
Well, I was dancin' like Joe Cocker
on speed, windmillin' across the
kitchen floor and tryin' to stay
upright, and I slid into the cart
where I'd set up all the syrup
dispensers for tomorrow's breakfast.
We're gonna need to order some new
syrup dispensers.
VIRGIL
(Sigh)
Harmon, you remember in "A Wonderful
Life," how Zuzu said "Every time a
bell rings, an angel gets its wings?"
              HARMON
Aw, Zuzu! And her petals! I LOVE that
movie!
              VIRGIL
Well, for you, it's "Every time a
glass breaks, Virgil orders plastic."
              HARMON
Plastic syrup dispensers? Virgil, no!
That's tacky!

              VIRGIL
Harmon, you're running a diner in
Muckey Landing. Tacky is the new
black here.
(Beat)
What about the egg?
              HARMON
The what?
              VIRGIL
The egg. You said there was egg yolk
on your pants, along with the batter
and syrup.
              HARMON
Ya know, I don't know how that got
there. Lookin' at it under the
streetlight here, might be egg, might
be mustard.
              VIRGIL
Well, ya coulda done a better job
cleaning it off. You look like you
stole those pants off a homeless guy
with an intestinal condition.
              HARMON
I tried, but I had to get the batter
and syrup cleaned off the floor and
cabinets first. By the time I got to
my pants, it was mostly dried. I'll
throw 'em in the washer when I get
home tonight.
              VIRGIL
I'd suggest throwin' 'em in the
trash.
HARMON Hardy-har-har, Virg. (Beat)
Looks like a pretty big crowd down by
A Little Off the Top...
              VIRGIL
Yeah, everybody's getting organized
down there between Forney's barber
shop and the Tasty Queen. Should be
starting any minute now.
              HARMON
They're always late, you know that.
(Beat)
I wish we could be in it again.
              VIRGIL
If we were IN the parade, who'd be
there to watch it? Practically
everybody else in town is already in
it.
              HARMON
Everybody except us.
              VIRGIL
You know why we're not in it.
              HARMON
Jeez, Virg, that was YEARS ago. Isn't
there a statue of imitations on
youthful hijinks?
              VIRGIL
You were thirty-eight. You're lucky
they still allow you to watch it
after what happened.
              HARMON
C'mon Virg, it wasn't that bad.
              VIRGIL
Not that bad? That fourth of July
parade has gone down in infamy.
              HARMON
Oh, HERE we go.
              VIRGIL
You should never have brought those
sparklers.
              HARMON
I wanted some sparklers to jazz up My
Uncle Sam character a little bit,
'cause all he does is pedes-
pedestri- all he does is WALK. Ya
know, some of your words are too
hard, Virg.
              VIRGIL
Live with it. If you had just stuck
with WALKIN' with your damn
sparklers, we'd have been fine.

              HARMON
Couldn't help it, Virg. I got
inspired by the baton twirlers from
the high school. I saw them, and I
thought, THAT'S what Uncle Sam
needs - SHOWMANSHIP!
              VIRGIL
No. He didn't. Who the hell tosses
lit sparklers in the middle of a
crowded parade?
              HARMON
Well, according to the police report,
apparently I do. And I was doing it
real good, too. Everybody around me
was ooh-in' and ah-in' every time I
threw 'em, so I tossed 'em a little
higher each time. It was just that
last one that got away from me.
              VIRGIL
It came down on the Yoders' buggy and
set Gertrude's tail on fire.
              HARMON
No it didn't - oh, right, you mean
Gertrude the HORSE. Not the Yoders'
great-aunt Gertrude. Ya know, I
always wondered why they named their
great-aunt after a horse. It just
confuses things.
              VIRGIL
I think it was the other way around,
Harmon. So when Gertrude bolted —
              HARMON
The horse or the great-aunt?
              VIRGIL
The horse. Gertrude bolted, Luke and
Uncle Yoder both fell out of the
buggy she was pullin', and by the
time Luke caught up with her to put
her tail out, she'd taken out three
cheerleaders, the lemonade stand, and
half the Senior Steppers.

              HARMON
I hate to say it, Virg, but I don't
think anyone was real disappointed
about not seein' the Senior Steppers
doin' their "Puttin' on the Ritz"
dance routine for the millionth time.
What with all those canes and walkers
and wheelchairs, it's like they
weren't even tryin' anymore.
              VIRGIL
Then Luke had to talk Chief Cheefe
out of shootin' poor Gertrude to put
her out of her misery.
              HARMON
The horse or the -
VIRGIL
The HORSE.
              HARMON
That horse was just fine, she was
only missin' part of her tail! Plus
there was the added advantage of
bein' able to tell whenever the
Yoders were in town, on account of
the smell of burnt hair.
              VIRGIL
Well, you know Chief Cheefe -- always
on the lookout for an opportunity to
wave that gun of his around. He was
just itchin' to shoot that horse,
which didn't sit well with the Yoders
OR the marchers from the SPCA. They
started yellin' at him, which got the
marchers from the FOP all riled up,
and next thing ya know, we got a
full-on bloody brawl goin' on in the
middle of the street between the
retired cops, the animal lovers, and
the Amish. Whole parade got cancelled
before it even got started good.
              HARMON
Nobody was really hurt, though. Well,
except Gertrude the horse and Uncle
Yoder. But most of Gertrude's tail
grew back. And Uncle Yoder did learn
to walk again.

              VIRGIL
Yeah, but now he sleeps with
livestock and can't say anything but
"bullshit."
              HARMON
I find that quaint.
              VIRGIL
As a result of all that, you are
banned for life from participating in
any parade held in the Greater Muckey
Landing/Ditchwater Metropolitan Area.
              HARMON
The one I really miss is the
Hannukkah Hullabaloo Parade...
              VIRGIL
Nobody's letting you anywhere near a
lit menorah.
              HARMON
Man, this town sure can hold a
grudge. Hey, how about Smyrna? They
have parades.
              VIRGIL
Yeah, they don't want ya either.
              HARMON
Oh, well, live and learn. Probably
shoulda practiced my sparkler
twirlin' ahead of time... Whoo-ee,
it's COLD out here, isn't it!
              VIRGIL
Got ya covered. I got a mug for ya
             right here.
             Aw, thanks, Virg!
SFX: THERMOS PICKED UP, TOP UNSCREWED.
                           VIRGIL
             Hold it up where I can see it. I
             don't wanna add woodstove coffee to
             that mess on your pants.
                           HARMON
             I dunno -- your woodstore coffee
             might melt some of this crud.
                           VIRGIL
             Nope, not gonna waste good woodstove
             coffee on your nasty-ass pants. I
             used the good stuff in this batch,
             since it's Christmas.
                           HARMON
             Four Roses or Old Crow?
SFX: COFFEE BEING POURED, THERMOS TOP SCREWED BACK ON

              VIRGIL
Old Crow.
SFX: HARMON TAKES A SIP
                HARMON
Oh, yeah, that'll warm ya up!...
              VIRGIL
Looks like the Henry Heimlich High
School marchin' band and cheerleaders
are getting ready down there. I just
hope we can get through this year's
parade without any bloodshed.
              HARMON
That would be nice. Yep, here we go!
Looks like we got three cheerleaders
this year. Big squad. Who's that with
the big baton?
              VIRGIL
Did you forget Evenrude Twilley got
head cheerleader this year?
              HARMON
Oh, right, DUH! Ya know, I'd like to
think I had somethin' to do with
that.
              VIRGIL
How are you responsible for Evenrude
Twilley getting to be head
cheerleader?

                           HARMON
             It's on account of that summer job
             she had with us, part-time
             waitressin' at the diner. I don't
             even know how many trays of food she
             dropped when she first started
             servin' and bussin'. I worked with
             her all summer, trainin' her in the
             ninja arts of liftin' and balancin',
             and by the time school started, she
             was only breakin' two or three
             glasses and plates a day.
                           VIRGIL
             That would explain why the diner
             barely broke even last summer.
                           HARMON
             I'm sure all of that body
             coordination and mental focus work
             improved both her cheerin' AND her
             twirlin'.
                       VIRGIL
Right...
SFX: KAZOO BAND IN THE DISTANCE, SLOWLY MOVES CLOSER UNDER
THE FOLLOWING DIALOG. AFTER EVERY REPETITION, GIVE IT A
BEAT, THEN THE BAND LEADER YELLS "ONE! MORE! TIME!"
                           VIRGIL (cont'd)
             You see the first lieutenant there,
             behind Evenrude? That's my niece
             Vanita, my sister Veronica's oldest.
                           HARMON
             No surprise there.
                           VIRGIL
             She's followin' in her mama's
             footsteps, all right. Her life
             ambition has been to make the
             Heimlich High cheerleading squad.
             Don't know what she's gonna do with
             herself once she graduates.
                           HARMON
             IF she graduates.
   
                           VIRGIL
             Yeah, if she follows in her mama's
             footsteps TOO close, she'll be livin'
             in a single-wide and pushin' a
             stroller instead of framin' a
             sheepskin.
                           HARMON
             Portabella Firken seems to be doin'
             pretty good, there, considerin'.
                           VIRGIL
             Yep. She's second lieutenant this
year.
                           HARMON
             Why's she on crutches?
                           VIRGIL
             Fell in her Dad's grease pit over at
             the Lube 'N' Tune and broke her left
             arm and her right leg.
                           HARMON
             Huh. Well, she's doin' good anyway.
                        (Shouting to
                         Portabella)
             Hey, Portabella! You go, girl!
SFX: SHOCK FROM PEOPLE WATCHING
                           VIRGIL
             HARMON! WHAT THE HELL!
                        HARMON
             Yikes!
                           VIRGIL
             Girl's got a hard enough time trying
             to twirl and walk at the same time
             without you distractin' her! She
             probably lost a couple of teeth
             there!
                           HARMON
             Sorry, Virg, I wasn't thinkin'. I
             don't think it's that bad, though --
             look, the other girls are helpin' her
             get up.
SCATTERED APPLAUSE FROM THE CROWD
  
                           HARMON (cont'd)
             And she's only bleedin' a little.
                           VIRGIL
             That's gotta be a new record for
             parade bloodshed.
KAZOO BAND STARTS UP AGAIN, FADES INTO THE DISTANCE.
                           HARMON
             Look, here come the Shriners!
SFX: SQUEAKY TRICYCLES APPROACHING
                           VIRGIL
             I liked it better when they had the
             little cars instead of those teeny
             little tricycles. I don't know what
             Uncle Boone was thinkin', lettin' you
             take a spin on his bulldozer.
                           HARMON
             Yeah, he definitely should have known
             better. You know Bud, though -- he
             was pretty tanked that day.
                           VIRGIL
             That was a great party until you
             backed over the storage shed where he
             let the Shriners keep their cars.
                           HARMON
             If Boone had explained the controls
             better, it never would have happened.
(Beat)
             Ya know, I'd probably join the
             Shriners if they didn't make ya wear
             those red ice cream cone hats -- I'll
             stick with my baseball cap, thank you
             very much. Hope they're tossing some
             good candy this year.
                        (To Shriners)
             HEY, GUYS! OVER HERE!
SFX: PEPPERMINT CANDY BALL HITTING HARMON
                Ow!
             Good aim, fella!
SFX: CELLOPHANE CANDY WRAPPER
(Beat)
 
                           HARMON (cont'd)
             Shit. Peppermint balls. I hate
peppermint.
SFX: 2 OR 3 MORE PEPPERMINT BALLS HIT HARMON
                        (To Shriners)
             Ow!..OW! Hey, that's OK, guys, I got
             enough, thanks!
SFX: HARMON IS PELTED WITH PEPPERMINT BALLS
                     (Adlibs from Bruce
                      that include the
                            following)
             Ow! OW! OK! HEY! CUT IT OUT!
(Beat)
             Jeez, that last one almost got me in
             the eye!
SFX: ONE MORE PEPPERMINT BALL
             OW! OK, you got me in the eye. HAPPY
             NOW?
SFX: SQUEAKY TRICYCLES MOVING AWAY
(Beat)
             What the hell, man. I mean, what the
             hell...
                           VIRGIL
             I think they recognized ya.
SFX: TRACTOR PULLING A FLOAT GOES BY PLAYING "I'M GETTIN' NUTTIN' FOR CHRISTMAS"
             So what's this float comin' up...?
                         PSYCHO BOB
             HARMON! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!
                           HARMON
             Oh, hey, Psycho Bob! Look, Virg, it's
             Psycho Bob up there!
                           VIRGIL
             So the Cheerful Hands Parolee
             Paradise Group Home put together a
             float this year! That's...
             interesting. And just a little
             unnerving.
      
HARMON
(Laughing)
             Look, Psycho Bob's trying to chew
             through his chains! That guy - what a
             nut!
SFX: FLOAT FADES OUT
                           VIRGIL
             Yeah, he's a real hoot until somebody
             winds up disembowelled.
SFX: CAR DRIVING SLOWLY
                           HARMON
             And here comes Mayor Dunkle driving
             his big ol' convertible with all the
             queens in it.
                           VIRGIL
             Lessee, there's Joella Dickerson --
             she's the Peach Queen. Maggie Mosley
             is Soybean Queen this year, and the
             Poultry Queen is Lula Barnes. There's
             Brad Spitzle -- looks like he finally
             got this year's Scrapple Queen crown.
                           HARMON
             I know he worked on his "elbow-elbow,
             wrist-wrist" pageant wave for
             months... Lot of commotion in that
             car.
                      ONE OF THE QUEENS
                     (From a distance)
             YOU BITCH!

                            VIRGIL
             Hoo-EE, look at the hair fly!
SFX: CAR FADES OUT
                           VIRGIL (cont'd)
             I always said scrapple and chicken
             don't mix. Here comes my sister
             Velma's float.
MUSIC: "SANTA BABY"MPLAYS FROM THE FLOAT, WHICH IS PULLED BY A TRACTOR
VIRGIL
     
                           HARMON
             Oh, boy, my favorite!
                           VIRGIL
             Wow, the girls from the Tits and
             Grits really knocked themselves out
             this year, didn't they?
                           HARMON
             Look, they got a life-size
             gingerbread house! And big ol' candy
             cane stripper poles!
                           VIRGIL
             Very impressive!
                           HARMON
             Boy, that Trixie sure knows how to
             work a pole, doesn't she?
                           VIRGIL
             Those are some brave girls. I'm
             surprised pasties aren't poppin' off
             all over the place, as cold as it is.
SFX: MUSIC FADES OUT, NEXT FLOAT ARRIVES
MUSIC:YOU'RE A MEAN ONE, MR. GRINCH
                           HARMON
             What's this next one?
(Reading)
             "Here Today, Gone Tomorrow Temp
             Agency." Huh. That's a new one.
                           VIRGIL
             Yeah, I don't recognize anyone on
that float.
                           HARMON
             Looks like they're throwin' flyers or
             brochures or somethin'. Hey, over
             here!
SFX: PAPERS BEING THROWN
                           VIRGIL
             Here, I got some.
                           HARMON
             What are they?
   
SFX: FLOAT FADES AWAY
                           VIRGIL
             Looks like resumes...
DORAL
                     (From a distance)
             Hey, Virgy! Hey, Beverly!
                           HARMON
WHAT?
Who said that? Who called me Beverly?
              VIRGIL
Whoa! Harmon, that had to be Doral! I
heard someone say "Hey, Virgy, hey
Beverly" - nobody else calls me
Virgy! And nobody but me and Doral
knows your middle name is Beverly!
              HARMON
And that's the way I wanna keep it!
Wow... You really think it was Doral?
Maybe we're finally gonna meet her in
person! Where is she, do ya see her?
I wanna see what she looks like!
              VIRGIL
Harmon, she could be standin' right
in front of my nose and I wouldn't
recognize her unless she opened that
mouth of hers to insult me. I've only
talked to her on the phone, just like
you.
(beat)
I don't see anybody waving or trying
to attract our attention. It came
from over that way.
              HARMON
You think she was one of the gals on
that float?
              VIRGIL
Might have been. But they're gone
now.
              HARMON
Crap! There were some good-lookin'
gals on there! You know, Virg, I
kinda go for that "buttoned-up, tight
skirt and glasses" secretary look.
(Panicked)
Especially when they're wearin' 4-
inch heels and got their hair in a
bun. I've seen a lot of porn where
hirin' a gal like that turned out
pretty good...
              VIRGIL
Dream on, Harmon. You know stuff like
that never happens in Muckey Landing.
              HARMON
Well, maybe not. But I'm always the
optimist, Virg, can't help it...
Damn. We came THIS CLOSE to finally
seein' what she looks like...
         VIRGIL AND HARMON
Fuckin' Doral.
              VIRGIL
Looks like that's about the last of
the parade.
              HARMON
That's IT? Where's Santa Claus?
There's supposed to be a Santa Claus
float at the end of the parade!
              VIRGIL
That's it right there.
              HARMON
What, THAT? That's just a kid dressed
as an elf pullin' a Radio Flyer wagon
with a dog in it! Hey - is that
Aloysius wearin' a Santa hat?
              VIRGIL
Yep. And that's my nephew Elvis in
the elf suit. He's my second-youngest
sister Velveeta's kid.
              HARMON
Where's the REAL Santa Claus?
              VIRGIL
Santa isn't real, Harmon, you know
that.
              HARMON
You know what I mean, Virg!

                           VIRGIL
             Well, I talked with Mayor Dunkle
             while I was waitin' for you before
             the parade got started and got the
             low-down. Seems Mitch Pohunk from
             over to the radio station was gonna
             play Santa, but he kept fallin' outta
             the sleigh, on account of he spent
             most of the day keepin' company with
             a bottle of Wild Turkey. The parade
             committee almost got Booty Sheets to
             replace Mitch, but he balked when it
             came to puttin' on the Santa pants.
             Or any other kind of pants. Then they
             found out that Uncle Boone's ex-wife
             refused to let her team of weiner
             dogs pull the sleigh again this year,
             and of course the Amish haven't
             brought their horses to the parade
             since the Gertrude incident.
                           HARMON
             The horse or --
                           VIRGIL
             Just stop it. They were gonna get a
             bunch of kids in elf suits to pull
             the sleigh instead, but Psycho Bob
             kept threatening to eat anybody with
             pointy ears, so the kids all went
             home cryin'. Well, all of 'em except
             Elvis - he loves Psycho Bob, for some
             reason. There was no way to get the
             sleigh off the ground, so to speak,
             and nobody to sit in it if they did,
             so they gave up.
MUSIC: CHRISTMAS MUSIC FADES IN UNDER THE DIALOG
                           HARMON
             Why didn't Mayor Dunkle ask you to do
             it? You could have driven your car
             and thrown candy out the window.
             Maybe aim for some of those son-of-a-
             bitch Shriners.
                           VIRGIL
             He asked me. I turned him down.
                         HARMON
                            Why?

                           VIRGIL
             'Cause sittin' here with you watching
             this shitty parade is a tradition,
             Harmon. You don't mess with
             tradition.
(Beat)
                           HARMON
             Ya know... that fourth of July parade
             that got me banned was a lot more
             fun...
                           VIRGIL
             Yep. Sure was. Hey. Raise your mug,
             there... To good friends.
SFX: MUGS CLINK
             Merry Christmas, Harmon.
                           HARMON
             Right back atcha, Virg.
SFX: BOTH SLURP THEIR COFFEE. THEIR DIALOG FADES OUT TO THE
END AS MUSIC GETS LOUDER
                           HARMON (cont'd)
             That was a real Hallmark moment
             there, wasn't it, Virg.
                           VIRGIL
             Harmon, just... shut up.
                           HARMON
             C'mon, Virg, where's your Christmas
spirit?
                           VIRGIL
             Go wash your pants.
#END#