Harmon Hears a Moo, Part 2

EPISODE 3: HARMON HEARS A MOO, PART 2
NARRATOR
Previously on Muckey Landing...

(FROM PART 1)
VIRGIL
Yeah... snow's coming down good. Dale of Dale's Weather of Delaware and Used Car Parts and the DEMA Dude are both sayin' we may get six or seven inches before all's said and done, with more on the way.

(CUT TO VIRGIL & HARMON)
HARMON
OK. Hey, wait a minute... did you just call me a pinhead?
VIRGIL
No, I called you a turkey.
HARMON
Oh, OK. ... Hey, there's that noise again. Did you hear it that time?
VIRGIL
Nope, didn't hear anything. What's it sound like?
HARMON
I dunno. Somebody screamin' or something.
VIRGIL
Well, I didn't hear hear it. It's probably just the wind howlin'.

(CUT TO VELMA & HARMON)
HARMON
Uh, Velma, you have whipped cream on your...
VELMA
Oh! Did I spill some? Where?
HARMON
No -- it's on your upper lip...
VELMA
(Laughing)
Oh, well, that's fixable... 
(She licks her upper lip to clean it off)
Mmm... Did I get it?
HARMON
Almost -- there's still a little bit...
(CUT TO THE FOLLOWING)
HARMON
Stop talkin' a second and lemme... there ya go, all clean and...
(Totally lost staring into her eyes)
...shiny. WOW... Do you know what color your eyes are?
VELMA
(Laughing)
I think I do, yeah.
HARMON
I never noticed, I, um... I don't think I've ever been this... close to 'em before...

(CUT TO VIRGIL AND HARMON)
HARMON
NO! Don't go out there, Virg! For the love of all that is holy, do NOT open that door! You don't know what's out there, Virg. I DO! I've SEEN it!
VIRGIL
You're bein' ridiculous, Harmon. 
SFX: VIRGIL'S FOOTSTEPS HEADING TOWARD THE DOOR
HARMON
Oh, god, this is like every last horror movie I've ever seen, Virgil! Please don't be the stupid asshole that opens the door when everybody in the theater is yelling "DON'T OPEN THAT DOOR!"
SFX: ANOTHER THUMP ON THE BACK DOOR, FOLLOWED BY A MUFFLED SCREAM
VIRGIL
(Quietly and deliberately)
What the sweet hell was that...

(CUT TO END)
DOORKNOB TURNING
HARMON
It's opening the door! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!
MUSIC - THEME SONG UNDER
INTRO
Welcome to Muckey Landing: population five hundred thirty-eight - and a half. It’s an odd little backwater in a lower, slower corner of the tiny state of Delaware, mostly known for being not too far from someplace you’d rather be. I’m Virgil Slatter. Me and my partner Harmon Truesdale own the Muckey Landing Market, Diner and Hardware Emporium at the corner of  St. Jones and Broad. If you're looking for that steampunk Burning Man treehouse at the Dogfish Head brewery in Milton, and you end up here by mistake — that’s how most folks find Muckey Landing, unless they were born here — be sure to stop by to say hi. If it's Wednesday, why don't you treat yourself to a platter of Harmon's steamin' fresh jalapeno and bologna-stuffed cabbage rolls - you'll be glad you did! While you're there, take advantage of our two-for-one Wednesday special on antacids -- you'll find the display right by the cash register when you check out.

Muckey Landing: a sort of a podcast. Season 2, Episode 2: Harmon Hears a Moo.
SFX: DOOR CRASHES OPEN, HARMON SCREAMS. WE HEAR WIND BLOWING AND HOOVES ON WOODEN FLOORBOARDS FOLLOWED BY A BLEAT FROM A GOAT
VIRGIL
It's a goat!
HARMON
It's not a goat! It's an evil succulus from the depths of hell! Look at its eyes!
SFX: DOG TROTTING OVER FROM THE OFFICE
VIRGIL
Go on, goat! Shoo! Giddy up! Go!... Shit. Don't just stand there staring at us - GIT!
SFX: ALOYSIUS GROWLS
HARMON
That's right, Aloysius! Chase him on out of here! Good boy!
SFX: ALOYSIUS GROWLS LOUDER
HARMON
Don't growl at ME, growl at the spawn of Satan over there!
SFX: GOAT SCREAMS
HARMON
Oh, jeez -- SORRY Mr. Goat, PLEASE don't eat me!
SFX: ALOYSIUS BARKS, GOAT SCREAMS
VIRGIL
Cut that out, Aloysius! You're upsettin' the goat!
SFX: GOAT SCREAM, HOOVES CLATTERING, MAYBE KNOCKING SOMETHING OVER?
VIRGIL
(Quietly)
Harmon, why don't you just back away slowly there and see if you can get me a rope out of the Homeland Security and Bakery Goods aisle.
HARMON
Sure thing, Virg!
SFX: FRANTIC FOOTSTEPS RUNNING AWAY, GOAT SCREAM, , GOAT AND DOG GALLOPING AFTER HARMON, ALOYSIUS BARKING AS HE GOES
VIRGIL
(Shouting)
Don't run!
SFX: IN THE DISTANCE - THINGS FALLING, KITCHEN DOOR OPENS, CLOSES, CRASHING, HARMON SCREAMING PERIODICALLY, 
VIRGIL
(To himself)
Crap. Why'd he go in the kitchen? There's no rope in there. Jeez, that wind! 
SFX: BACK DOOR CLOSING
VIRGIL
Harmon! Keep him back there with you! I'm gonna go find the rope --
SFX: FAST LUMBERING BY VIRGIL. FRONT DOOR OPENING SEQUENCE, WIND BLOWING. 
PSYCHO BOB
HARMON! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!
RAVEN
Hi, Virgil.
IN THE BACKGROUND, THINGS BEING BROKEN AND FALLING OVER IN THE KITCHEN, PUNCTUATED BY HARMON SCREAMING AND YELLING AT THE GOAT, GOAT BLEATING AND DOG BARKING
VIRGIL
Psycho Bob! Raven! Never thought I'd say this, but boy, am I glad to see you two! There's a goat back there in the kitchen --
RAVEN
I wanted to watch the snow fall and make cookies.
VIRGIL
Great! Look, Harmon's useless, and I can't tackle the goat by myself.
RAVEN
Then eat them all while I put on a depressing movie and cry.
VIRGIL
Let's go, you can cry later!
RAVEN
But Huggy Bear said he needs to kill Harmon this morning, so here we are.
(Sighs)
The things I do for love.
VIRGIL
Yeah, life's a bitch. Look, Psycho Bob, you're a big guy -- I'm gonna get a rope and ask you to help me drag the goat outside and tie it to that lamppost out front. After that, you and Harmon can have a nice talk, how 'bout that?
PSYCHO BOB
HE SHALL DIE SCREAMING IN AGONY! BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!
HARMON
(Off mic, in the distance)
PSYCHO BOB! MY BUDDY! Come back here and kill this goat!
VIRGIL
NO, Psycho Bob! No killing today! Just help us get it out of here!
PSYCHO BOB
NO CAN DO!
HARMON
Aw, come on, S.B!
VIRGIL
(To himself)
"S.B."? Oh. "Psycho Bob." Jesus.
HARMON
PSYCHO BOB! You of all people shouldn't have any problem killin' a goat!
VIRGIL
No KILLING! Let's just all go back to the kitchen and CATCH the goat, not kill it!
PSYCHO BOB
THAT IS BEYOND MY POWERS!
HARMON
WELL, COME ON BACK AND WORSHIP IT, THEN!
RAVEN
We can't cross your threshold. That's a portal to another world.
VIRGIL
What?!?
RAVEN
Been there once. No fun.
SFX: HARMON SCREAMS, THINGS FALL OVER
HARMON
(Off mic in the kitchen, hysterical)
Goat's headin' your way, Virgil!
VIRGIL
Perfect! Psycho Bob, if it comes your way, grab it and hold onto it! I'm gonna go get the rope!
SFX: VIRGIL RUNS OFF. GOAT HOOVES TROTTING FROM THE BACK. THEY STOP. 
SFX: GOAT SCREAM
PSYCHO BOB
(Scream)
SFX: GOAT SCREAM
PSYCHO BOB
(Scream)
SFX: GOAT SCREAM
PSYCHO BOB
(Normal voice)
OK, yeah. I can do Tuesday.
SFX: GOAT BLEAT
PSYCHO BOB
I'LL BE BACK, HARMON!
RAVEN
That was almost interesting. Bye.
SFX: DOOR CLOSES, GOAT HOOVES RUNNING AWAY. KITCHEN DOOR OPENS, SHUTS. HARMON SCREAMS.
HARMON
NO! Go away, go AWAY! Stop it!
SFX: LOUD NOISE THAT MIGHT BE THE GOAT HEAD-BUTTING A LARGE METAL TABLE ACROSS THE FLOOR IN THE KITCHEN. WE HEAR VIRGIL RUNNING BACK UP FRONT
VIRGIL
I got the- shit! Where'd they go?
SFX: GOAT BLEATS, HARMON SCREAMS
VIRGIL
Harmon! Are you still in the kitchen?
HARMON
(off mic)
Yeah!
SFX: VIRGIL RUNNING
VIRGIL
Where's the goat?
HARMON
Here in the kitchen with me!
SFX: VIRGIL SHOVES KITCHEN DOOR, SOMETHING CRASHES ON THE OTHER SIDE
HARMON
(Screams. Yelling at the goat)
NO! Shoo! SHOO!
VIRGIL
I can't get the door open, it's jammed! Can you open it from that side?
HARMON
No, I can't get to it! I'm up on top of the microwave! VIRGIL! It's STARING at me again!
VIRGIL
(To himself)
Ah, hell. 
SFX: ALOYSIUS BARKS FROM INSIDE THE KITCHEN
VIRGIL
ALOYSIUS! Harmon, is Aloysius in there with you?
HARMON
YES! He's teamed up with the goat! They're both waitin' for me to come down off this microwave so they can butt me and bark me to death!
VIRGIL
I'm comin' around to the other door, Harmon, just hang on!
HARMON
You're not gonna be able to get in - The goat head-butted the prep table so it's blockin' the side door, and he and Aloysius wedged a chair up against the lunch counter door!
VIRGIL
(To himself)
Ah, shit. Psycho Bob and Raven took off. I need help here.
(To Harmon)
Harmon, I'm gonna call in the Yoders! If anybody around here knows how to take care of a goat, it's the Amish! Just keep it trapped there in the kitchen with you -- he's better off in there with all that stainless steel than he is rampaging through the store.
HARMON
I don't think I have a lot of choice about what he does, Virg.
(He screams)
SFX: GOAT BLEATS, SOMETHING FALLS OVER
VIRGIL
I'm gonna call Miz Flunkitt and ask her to run across the road to let Luke know we need him.
SFX: MUSIC STING FOR PASSAGE OF TIME, THEN VIRGIL DIALING THE PHONE. PHONE RINGS. MIZ FLUNKITT'S ANSWERING MACHINE PICKS UP
ALICE FLUNKITT'S ANSWERING MACHINE
Hello...?
VIRGIL
Hello, Miz Flunkitt --
ALICE FLUNKITT'S ANSWERING MACHINE
Hello-o-o...?
VIRGIL
Hi, it's Virgil --
ALICE FLUNKITT'S ANSWERING MACHINE
Is this thing even workin'? I can't tell...
VIRGIL
(Louder)
I can hear you fine, Miz Flunkitt, it's working on my end. This is Virgil Slatter down at the store --
ALICE FLUNKITT'S ANSWERING MACHINE
Oh. OK, good. There's the little light there.
VIRGIL
I hate to ask this with the weather so bad out there but --
ALICE FLUNKITT'S ANSWERING MACHINE
Oh, shoot, wait just a minute...
VIRGIL
Okay.
ALICE FLUNKITT'S ANSWERING MACHINE
Where did I put that piece of paper? 
VIRGIL
You probably don't need paper, I just wanna ask if you'll --
ALICE FLUNKITT'S ANSWERING MACHINE
Oh, there it is! I swear, I'd lose my head if it wasn't screwed on!...
VIRGIL
I have a favor to ask --
ALICE FLUNKITT'S ANSWERING MACHINE
Oh, gosh DARN it...
VIRGIL
I'm sorry, I hate to ask, but --
ALICE FLUNKITT'S ANSWERING MACHINE
Where the heck are my glasses? I just had 'em here a minute ago...
VIRGIL
If I could just --
ALICE FLUNKITT'S ANSWERING MACHINE
Oh! They're on top of my head! Good lord, Alice, if they'da been a snake, they woulda bit ya...
VIRGIL
Miz Flunkitt --
ALICE FLUNKITT'S ANSWERING MACHINE
OK, NOW we're rollin'...
(Clears throat)
You have reached the answering machine of Alice Flunkett.
VIRGIL
Aw, shit...
ALICE FLUNKITT'S ANSWERING MACHINE
I can't come to the phone right now, so just press 1 to leave me a message.
VIRGIL
Wait... what?
ALICE FLUNKITT'S ANSWERING MACHINE
If you wanna call the Yoder family across the road, just press 2, and stay on the line!... Now ain't THAT some fancy sh--
SFX: VIRGIL PRESSES 2. PHONE RINGS.
VIRGIL
So the Yoders have got themselves a phone... The times they are a-changin', I guess.
 DORAL PICKS UP PHONE
DORAL
Thank you for calling Yoder's Genuine Amish Cheese, Bologna, Pork Products and Weed Outlet -- Wholesale to the Trade Only. Whaddaya want.
VIRGIL
This isn't another answering machine, is it?
DORAL
Do I SOUND like an answering machine?
VIRGIL
Sorry, I just went round in circles with an answering machine that sounded like a person, and I didn't want to make the same mistake twice. My apologies, Miz, um...
DORAL
MIZ! Who you callin' MIZ?
VIRGIL
Oh, sorry, um... miss.
DORAL
Sir, I'm gonna ask you not to comment on whether I am or am not married. Speculating on my personal sexual hook-up status is crossin' any number of red lines.
VIRGIL
Your personal sexual -- lady, look I just wanna talk to Luke. Can you put him on?
DORAL
(Getting rather incensed)
LADY?!? Sir, that is the third time you have used overly-gendered language referring to my possible female persuasion-ness. You don't know me. You don't know anything ABOUT me. All you know about me is that I'm a voice on the telephone.
VIRGIL
Okay, I --
DORAL
(Getting worked up)
You don't know who I am or what I look like, and you certainly don't know ANYTHING about my life. About ALL the people who've held me back or put me down, and consequently lived to regret it!
VIRGIL
Oh, Jesus, this is --
DORAL
And don't go takin' the Lord's name in vain either. 
(To herself, beyond disgusted with him)
Jesus wept!
VIRGIL
(Annoyed)
Shit! Sorry! Look, I just, um... well, from your voice, I just assumed you were a woman.
DORAL
Well, that's what you get for assumin', isn't it. Mister, you need to stop and smell the manure before I report you to "Yoder's Genuine Amish Cheese, Bologna, Pork Products and Weed Outlet Wholesale to the Trade Only" H.R. Department.
VIRGIL
LOOK, you... you... VOICE ON THE TELEPHONE. I said I'm sorry! 
(Realization dawns)
You can't report me to your H.R. Department! I don't work there!
DORAL
Oh contrary, Mister Know-It-All. Our head of H.R. is Miz Arleta Yoder, and you have never met a more disappointed, pissed-off, frustrated old Amish spinster in your life. She can pickle a cucumber just by lookin' at it. You do NOT wanna meet up with the wrong end of her rug-beater. And if I report you? She WILL track you down, Virgy.
VIRGIL
(Angry)
You know what, I'm gonna report YOU -- 
(It finally dawns on him)
Ah, shit. You called me Virgy, didn't you. This is DORAL, isn't it.
DORAL
Holy shit, took ya long enough, Virgy. I was tap-dancing as hard as I could there at the end.
VIRGIL
I thought you were working for my mama out at the salvage yard. She fire ya?
DORAL
Oh HELL no. Your mama likes me so much, she's lettin' me work from home. I'm runnin' this answering service for Ms. Flunkitt and the Yoders as a little side business.
VIRGIL
I'm gonna tell mama you're two-timing her.
DORAL
Go ahead. She's takin' a cut of the business and even bought me this fancy-ass new headset.
VIRGIL
Shit. If you're workin' from home, how are you gonna give the Yoders my message?
DORAL
I go out there to drop 'em off once a week, on Saturdays. 
VIRGIL
I can't wait until Saturday, Doral! This is an emergency! I need 'em here NOW!
DORAL
(Bored)
Don't get your panties in a wad, Virgy. There are alternatives for genuine emergencies. I've got my memo pad, so shoot. Please tell me the nature of your emergency.
VIRGIL
We've got a goat runnin' around the store here.
DORAL
Gee, I didn't realize it was "Take your goat to work" day! And here I sit fresh outta goats.
VIRGIL
It's not our goat, and we want it outta here. It's tearin' the place up!
DORAL
Have you tried tellin' it "Shoo"?
VIRGIL
This is serious, Doral! It's a big goat! I need the Yoders!
DORAL
Chill out, Virgy. I'm checkin' the "Yoder's Genuine Amish Cheese, Bologna, Pork Products and Weed Outlet, Wholesale to the Trade Only" procedure manual right now... Let's see... Barn Raisin'...   Bologna Makin'... Buggy Rentals... Cannabis Cultivation -- hoo boy, that's a long chapter... 
HARMON
(Off mic)
Virgil, I gotta pee!
SFX: NOISE IN THE KITCHEN, GOAT SCREAMS, ALOYSIUS BARKS
HARMON
(To goat and Aloysius)
OK, OK, I'm not movin', I promise!
VIRGIL
Can you hurry it up, Doral? Things are gettin' dicey over here.
DORAL
(Searching through the book a little faster)
Yeah, yeah, workin' on it... Dealing with the Stupid English, Dress Code, Gazebo Construction... oh, here we go - Goat Removal!
VIRGIL
That's in the manual? I had no idea goats needed to be removed that often.
DORAL
Apparently they do. Let's see here... OK. Is your "problem goat" male or female?
VIRGIL
Definitely male.
DORAL
Horns? Yes or no?
VIRGIL
Yes. Big ones.
DORAL
OK. Weight?
VIRGIL
(Sarcastically)
Forgive me, Doral, but I completely forgot to invite the goat to hop up on the kitchen scale before he ransacked my store!
(A beat)
It's big! Heavy! It's a big, heavy, ugly goat!
DORAL
Don't you get smart with me, Virgy. You talk ugly to me, and I'll hang up on you in a heartbeat and just let you and Goatzilla duke it out for a few weeks. Now. Color of fur and/or markings.
VIRGIL
(Pained and fed up)
Why do you need to know that?
DORAL
(Talking to a stupid person)
I don't know. I guess so they know what to look for when they show up.
VIRGIL
(Losing it)
It's the only thing in the store that has hooves and goes "meh-heh-heh-heh-heh"! FOR FUCK'S SAKE, Doral!
DORAL
That's borderline ugly talk there, Virgy.
VIRGIL
(Giving up)
White, with a red head.
DORAL
OK, looking at the book here and based on your description, I think we can safely say you got yourself a Boer goat. Big ol' goat with a white body and red head. Says they're friendly.
VIRGIL
Not this one. It's trying to kill Harmon.
DORAL
EVERYBODY wants to kill Beverly. Says here Boers prefer to be outside. Huh. It probably wouldn't be tryin' to put  Beverly out of his misery if you hadn't invited it in.
VIRGIL
I didn't invite it in! What else does it say?
DORAL
It says a large Boer inside a human habitation is an emergency, and to continue on to the next step.
VIRGIL
Which is...?
DORAL
To call Alice.
VIRGIL
Alice Flunkitt?
DORAL
Yep.
VIRGIL
I just called her! She's the answering machine I was talking to!
DORAL
Did you leave her a message asking her to run across the road and get the Yoders?
VIRGIL
No! It said to press TWO to get the Yoders, which I did, and I ended up talkin' to YOU!
DORAL
Well, there's your first mistake.
VIRGIL
It's ALWAYS a mistake when I end up talkin' to you, Doral.
DORAL
(Warning him)
Ah-ah! That's two, Virgy.
VIRGIL
(Through gritted teeth)
Got it. Now tell me, please, why the hell did I have to call you instead of just callin' Alice Flunkitt like I always do?
DORAL
Triage, Virgy. The Yoders are very busy people. They don't have time to mess around with every petty little problem you stupid English come up with. Now, do you want the goat handlers or not?
VIRGIL
Yes!
DORAL
Fine. I'm gonna call Alice and give her the go-ahead. The fee for large goat removal is 120 bucks, by the way.
VIRGIL
Holy shit, that's expensive. Any way we can do this any cheaper?
DORAL
You wanna do it cheaper? You're gonna need a smaller goat.
(Half a beat)
Why'd you get such a big one, anyway?
VIRGIL
It's not my goat!
DORAL
Whatever. The Yoders are professionals, Virgy. That level of expertness don't come cheap.
(All business)
Cash only, due up front on arrival, or they don't get out of the buggy. Say hi to Beverly for me. 
SFX: DORAL HANGS UP 
VIRGIL
Right. 
SFX: MUSIC STING FOR PASSAGE OF TIME
EXT: SIDEWALK IN FRONT OF THE STORE
SFX: WIND BLOWING, HORSE WHINNYING, BUGGY DOOR OPENS
VIRGIL
Mornin', Luke. Mornin' Uncle Yoder. Sorry to bring you out in this weather.
LUKE YODER
Mornin'.
UNCLE YODER
Mornin'
LUKE YODER
Cash?
VIRGIL
Got it right here, a hundred and twenty bucks.
UNCLE YODER
Bullshit.
VIRGIL
No, really, I got it right here, see?
SFX: BUGGY SQUEAKING, FOOTSTEPS IN THE SNOW
UNCLE YODER
Bullshit.
LUKE YODER
Stuck again.
VIRGIL
What's that, Luke? Oh, he's stuck, got it. He's havin' one of those days where he just keeps repeatin' the same word over and over again, right?
UNCLE YODER
Nope.
LUKE YODER
Yep.
SFX: OPENING, CLOSING THE DOOR, FOOTSTEPS
VIRGIL
Come on in. Last time you fellas came by, he was stuck on "mayonnaise." Confused Harmon no end. He fixed Uncle Yoder three cups of coffee with sugar, cream and mayonnaise before he caught on.
UNCLE YODER
No coffee.
VIRGIL
No problem, Uncle Yoder, we won't fix you any coffee today.
UNCLE YODER
Bullshit.
LUKE YODER
Where's the goat?
VIRGIL
Back there in the kitchen with Harmon. 
SFX: CRASH, GOAT SCREAMS, HARMON SCREAMS. FOOTSTEPS AS THEY WALK BACK TO THE KITCHEN
VIRGIL
They're gettin' along better than they were earlier.
LUKE YODER
We know this goat.
VIRGIL
You do? Do you know who it belongs to?
UNCLE YODER
Me.
VIRGIL
That's YOUR goat, Uncle Yoder?
LUKE YODER
House goat.
VIRGIL
It's a house goat. You mean it lives with you in the house.
UNCLE YODER
My room.
VIRGIL
Didn't you already have a house COW that lived in your room? That's a lot of livestock in one bedroom.
LUKE YODER
Cow's gone.
UNCLE YODER
Good cow.
LUKE YODER
Good steaks.
UNCLE YODER
VERY good steaks.
VIRGIL
When I talked to Doral, she said what we have here is a Boer goat, and they prefer to be outside. You keep it in the house? I figured bein' inside was what was makin' it so crazy!
UNCLE YODER
Bullshit.
LUKE YODER
No.
UNCLE YODER
Good goat.
LUKE YODER
Loves people. Plays with the kids. Doesn't beg at the table. Shits outside. 
VIRGIL
Then why was he acting so ornery when he showed up here?
LUKE YODER
Hates Harmon.
VIRGIL
Ah. Shoulda known.
SFX: FOOTSTEPS STOP AT THE KITCHEN
VIRGIL
Hey, Harmon! Luke and Uncle Yoder are here to take their goat home!
HARMON
(Practically weeping with relief)
Oh, thank god!
LUKE YODER
Uncle Yoder...
UNCLE YODER
Arsh-Lock. Come out.
SFX: CUTE LITTLE GOAT BLEAT
VIRGIL
Arsh-Lock. Is that his name?
LUKE YODER
Yep.
VIRGIL
Never heard that one before. What's it mean?
LUKE YODER
Asshole.
SFX: DOORKNOB RATTLES AND TURNS, DOOR OPENS, GOAT AND ALOYSIUS TROT OUT. GLOAT BLEATS, DOG BARKS
VIRGIL
Aloysius! Sit!
UNCLE YODER
Arsh-Lock. Git. Bye.
SFX: GOAT TROTTING AWAY, UNCLE YODER GOING WITH IT. GOAT BLEATS.
UNCLE YODER
(Off mic, to the goat)
Bullshit.
DISTANT SOUND OF DOOR OPENING/CLOSING
VIRGIL
I'll be damned. 
SFX: DOG WHINES/CRIES
VIRGIL
Awww... do you miss your little goaty friend? Maybe we can arrange a play date for you two when the weather gets better.
SFX: MOVING DEBRIS IN THE KITCHEN
VIRGIL
Harmon, you OK? Where are you?
HARMON
Still up here. Hey, Luke, good to see ya!
LUKE YODER
Hey, Harmon.
VIRGIL
How the hell did you squeeze your ass into that itty-bitty space above the microwave?
HARMON
I'd say fear of getting a goat-horn enema had somethin' to do with it.
VIRGIL
You need help gettin' down?
HARMON
(Groaning)
No... Just -- gimme some time to unfold some things here...
VIRGIL
Shit. Looks like old Arsh-Lock really went to town in here... uh, Luke, I hate to mention it, but it looks like your goat did quite a bit of damage back here ... 
LUKE YODER
Maybe. Been meanin' to tell you. Harmon drives by our farm every day. His car plays loud music that is an abomination unto the Lord.
VIRGIL
Oh. Yeah, with that side window out, his car ain't exactly soundproof.
LUKE YODER
Music makes Arsh-Locke meshuggeneh. Crazy. Busts through the fencing to make it stop.
VIRGIL
Well, shit. I sure didn't know that.
LUKE YODER
Goat usually just stands by the road and screams. Not today.
VIRGIL
So what was different about today?
LUKE YODER
Song. 
VIRGIL
Somethin' about the song, huh? What song was it?

LUKE YODER
"You Light Up My Life." 
VIRGIL
Yeah, that would do it.
LUKE YODER
Harmon was singing along.
VIRGIL
A Debbie Boone and Harmon duet. I'd say that's grounds for justifiable homicide right there.
LUKE YODER
Expensive to keep replacing fencing because Harmon has crappy taste in music.
VIRGIL
I'll agree with you on that one, Luke.
LUKE YODER
Been meaning to come over and discuss compensation for the damage. But let's call it even with your kitchen. 
VIRGIL
Well... yeah, why not. And I'll tell Harmon to stop blasting his damn music when he goes by your place.
LUKE YODER
Gotta git back. Snow's gettin' deep.
VIRGIL
Yeah. Thanks Luke. Say hi to Mrs. Yoder and all the little Yoders for me.
LUKE YODER
Mm.
SFX: LUKE'S FOOTSTEPS LEAVING, DISTANT SOUND OF DOOR OPENING/CLOSING, DEBRIS BEING MOVED KITCHEN
VIRGIL
Harmon, what the hell are you doin' in there?
HARMON
Tryin' to straighten up -- AAUUGGHH! There! Whew! I was afraid I was gonna be starin' at floors for the rest of my life.
VIRGIL
We need to get this kitchen cleaned up and do some inventory. I can already tell we need to order some replacement cutlery -- looks like Arsh-Lock was chewing on it.
HARMON
Arsh-Lock. I saw a movie once where Satan had a minion named Arsh-Lock. Meant something like "Ancient Bearer of the Sword of Flames and Destroyer of Worlds."
VIRGIL
Luke says it means "Asshole."
HARMON
Same thing. I gotta tell ya, Virg, I saw my life passin' in front of my eyes a couple of times while that goat was after me.
VIRGIL
Did ya now.
HARMON
Oh, yeah. And once I managed to get up on top of the microwave, I started taking stock of things, ya know? Like you do when you have a near-death experience.
VIRGIL
Harmon, you have a near-death experience every time you get behind the wheel of that deathtrap you call a car.
HARMON
C'mon, Virg! Fact is, I'm not gettin' any younger.
VIRGIL
I know that, but I was afraid gettin' a social security check was gonna be YOUR first clue.
HARMON
I had some time to think up there on the microwave, and I've resolved to do the best I can with whatever time I have left on this earth, Virg.
VIRGIL
So what are you sayin'? You're gonna make the world a better place by doin' good deeds and shit?
HARMON
Hell no! I'm gonna do all the shit I'd never get a chance to do if I got eaten by a goat! Like buyin' a car that came with a warranty. Winnin' the Coney Island ho- ho- FUCK, weiner dog eatin' contest. Havin' a threesome where I don't wake up the next morning wearing some stranger's Fruit of the Looms. Findin' out what Vinnie Jean was wearin' this mornin'.
SFX: THEME SONG UNDER. HARMON CONTINUES, FADING OUT AS MUSIC FADES IN
HARMON
You know, if that threesome actually happened, I don't think it counts, do you? 'Cause if it DID happen, I don't remember it, and also  I don't think it was the kind of threesome I thought it was gonna be. Anyway...

OUTRO, PART 2 - NARRATOR
Hi there - I'm Chris Polo, creator of Muckey Landing."Harmon Hears a Moo" featured Mike Polo as Virgil Slatter, Bruce Leister as Harmon Truesdale, Kristin Garramone as Velma Bellazamboni, Patti Gatto as Doral Bernstein, Will McVay as Luke Yoder, and Claude Warnick as Uncle Yoder. 
Sound design and editing is by Mike Polo, and our theme song and incidental music is written and performed by our music director, the historically infraggable Jim Rezac. For more of Jim's music, check out JimRezacMusic.com.
If you're enjoying Muckey Landing, a Sort of a Podcast, please leave us a rating or review on Apple Podcasts, Podchaser.com, Spotify, or wherever you rate and review podcasts. You can also support us by leaving Harmon a tip to buy bologna at BuyMeACoffee.com/MuckeyLanding. Visit our website to sign up for news notifications, or buy official Muckey Landing hats, t-shirts and other merchandise And please tell your friends about us! Thank you for listening, and we'll see you next time!

BRING UP MUSIC TO END OR FADE
#END#