Dec. 3, 2022

The Bologna Connection

When Muckey Landing's newest residents make them "an offer they can't refuse," Harmon and Virgil have a choice: either run afoul of the mob, or stir up possibly deadly trouble with the local Amish.


After overhearing Muckey Landing's newest residents, Nick Costello and Sal Bambino, discuss an apparent murder plot, Harmon panics when the pair returns unexpectedly to the Market, Diner and Hardware Emporium. When the retired mobsters offer them a shady business deal, Virgil and Harmon are stuck between a rock and a hard place: saying no could mean running afoul of the mob, but saying yes means stirring up potentially deadly trouble with the local Amish!

Muckey Landing is a multi-award-winning comedy audiofiction podcast.

***Cast and Crew***

Virgil Slatter - Mike Polo

Harmon Truesdale - Bruce Leister

Nick Costello - John Zinzi

Sal Bambino - Steve Caporiccio

Psycho Bob - Dave Crown

Doral Bernstein - Patti Gatto

Sound Design and Editing - Mike Polo

Sound effects by Mike Polo and Pond 5

Muckey Landing is created, written and directed by Chris Polo

Muckey Landing is an award-winning comedy audiofiction podcast.

Transcript

The Bologna Connection Written by
Chris Polo

Copyright (c) 2022 Mucked-Up Productions
Mail@muckeylanding.com

S2E5 The Bologna Connection

FLASHBACKS FROM PREVIOUS EPISODE

MUSIC - THEME SONG UNDER
NARRATOR
Previously on Muckey Landing...
HARMON
Your dad doin' a Luca Brasi and sendin' your boyfriend to sleep with the soybeans kinda screws up the whole Norman Rockwood "perfect family" look.

VIRGIL
Norman Rockwell. And you been watchin' The Godfather again, haven't ya.

SFX:EXCERPT 1

NICK
(To Virgil)
Good morning. How are you, sir.
VIRGIL
Oh, fair to partly cloudy, I guess. How 'bout yourself?
NICK
Fair to partly cloudy! Ya hear that, Sal? We're livin' the country life now, aren't we!


SAL
You're right about that, Nick.
VIRGIL
Oh, newcomers! Well, welcome to the Muckey Landing Market, Diner and Hardware Emporium! I'm Virgil Slatter, I'm the owner.

SFX: EXCERPT 2
VIRGIL (cont'd)
What are ya looking for?
NICK
I've got a list here.
VIRGIL
Lessee what we got here...
(Checking the list)
Cinder blocks, cement mix, couple of shovels, glass cutter, hacksaw, three boxes of ammo -- what caliber you need? Oh, wait, that says "thirty- eight," right?

NICK
Right.


EXCERPT 3


HARMON
Sorry, Virg, but you gotta hear this. I've got something pretty important on my mind, and --
VIRGIL
Well, THAT'S different. Maybe we should hold a parade to commemorate the moment.


HARMON
It's about those two guys who were in here a while ago!


VIRGIL
What, the New York guys?
HARMON
Yeah, those two. So --
VIRGIL
Nice fellas.
HARMON
You won't think that when I tell you what I heard.


EXCERPT 4


HARMON (cont'd) Right. So they ordered two coffees, which I brought out, and then there was some discussion about sugar, and then I brought out their coffees and Mitch's order, then I went back to take their orders -- and THAT'S when I heard it.
VIRGIL
Heard what?

HARMON
Heard 'em plannin' to kill somebody!

EXCERPT 5


VIRGIL
But they seemed so nice...
HARMON
They're vicious killers, Virgil. Be careful, or you'll wind up with your dog's head in your bed.
VIRGIL
(With a sigh)
Much as I hate to say it, I think we need to call Chief Cheefe.
HARMON
And stop Booty Sheets.
VIRGIL
Right.
HARMON
And buy a new toaster.
VIRGIL
Wait, what? Why do we need a new toaster?

HARMON
Apparently you can't toast avocados in the old one.
NICK
(Yelling back out the door at Sal)
No, Sal! Stay in the car, and keep the engine running! It's your fault I gotta do this!


HARMON
Oh, shit...

 

INTRO

 

VIRGIL
Welcome to Muckey Landing: population five hundred forty-two - and a half. I’m Virgil Slatter. Me and my partner Harmon Truesdale own the Muckey Landing Market, Diner and Hardware Emporium at the corner of St. Jones and Broad. If you took the scenic route on your way to Bombay Hook to see that rare Cackling Goose somebody said they saw there, and you end up here by mistake — that’s how most folks find Muckey Landing, unless they were born here — be sure to stop by to say hi.
If it's Thursday, try Harmon's cod lips and bologna stew over grits, for an experience that'll make you sit up and go 'Huh.'

INT: THE STORE

SFX: MUSIC FADES AS NICK SLOWLY CLOSES THE FRONT DOOR
NICK
(Speaking from a distance)
Hello again. I find I have a bit of unfinished business.
VIRGIL
(Clearing his throat and trying not to
sound nervous)
Oh, uh, sure - that's fine, FINE! Uh... anything... I can help you with?


NICK
No.

SFX: FOOTSTEPS AS NICK BEGINS TO APPROACH
HARMON
(To himself, terrified)
He's gonna rub us out! I know it!
VIRGIL
Oh, for cryin' out loud, Harmon! Why would he do that?
HARMON
Because I burned his avocado toast! Because I called him 'Hon"! I don't know! I gotta hide!


SFX: HARMON RUNS TO A FREEZER CHEST, OPENS THE TOP, CLIMBS IN, CRUSHING BOXES, AND SLAMS IT SHUT.

HARMON (cont'd)
(Muffled, from inside the freezer chest)
Ow!... That's gonna hurt if that guy doesn't kill me.

NICK'S FOOTSTEPS FADE OUT AS HE GOES ACROSS THE STORE
VIRGIL
(Heavy sigh)

SFX: VIRGIL'S FOOTSTEPS AS HE WALKS OVER TO THE FREEZER CHEST
Harmon. Get out of the ice cream freezer.

 

HARMON
(Muffled)

WHAT???

VIRGIL
(Louder)

I said, get out of the ice cream freezer!

HARMON
(Muffled)
NO! Has he got a gun?!?
VIRGIL
I didn't see one.
HARMON
Is he still comin' this way?
VIRGIL
(Louder)
No, he went over to the -- this is ridiculous.

SFX: VIRGIL OPENS FREEZER CHEST LID

Sounds like he went over to the Homeland Security and Cheap Souvenirs aisle.


HARMON
(Loud whisper)
Don't talk so loud, he's gonna hear you!

VIRGIL
Cut it out, Harmon, nothing's --
HARMON
(Interrupting, in a loud whisper)
He's gonna go right through there and ransack the burglary tools aisle, you wait and see.

VIRGIL
(Furiously whispering
back)
Do you hear any ransackin' goin' on? And it's not the burglary tools aisle, Harmon, it's the Facemask, Crowbar, Lockpicks and Beauty Accessories aisle.
HARMON
(Whispering)
Sounds like burglar tools to me! And anyway, I told 'em it was the burglary tools section when they were here earlier. That's probably why he's casin' the joint right now!
VIRGIL
(Whispering back)
He's not casin' the joint. And I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for all this.
(No longer whispering)
Now get outta there. Nobody's gonna want a Nutty Buddy that's been molded to your ass.


HARMON
NO!

SFX: HARMON SLAMS LID SHUT AGAIN
(Muffled)
Ow!...You can stand out there like a big ol' target if you want, Mr. Macho Man, but if he wants to kill me, he's gonna have to find me first.

VIRGIL
(Louder, because the lid is closed)
You're sitting in an ice cream case with a glass lid. You're not hard to find.

HARMON
Well, if he DOES find me, he's gonna have to drag me out of this freezer kickin', screamin', and cryin'. I'm not gonna make it easy for him.

SFX: NICK'S FOOTSTEPS APPROACH QUIETLY UNDER THE FOLLOWING DIALOG

VIRGIL
(Loudly)
Harmon, I'M gonna be the one draggin' you outta there in about five seconds if you don't move your ass NOW.


NICK
(Footsteps, suddenly very close by. Calmly
interested) 
Is that your friend in there?

VIRGIL
(Startled)
OH, jeez!
(Beat)

Oh, wow, sorry about that, I didn't hear you come up behind me!
NICK
I get that a lot. No worries... What's his name again?
HARMON
(muffled)

NICK
Is that him?
VIRGIL
Who? 

NICK       HARMON

The one in the freezer.      The one with the gun!

VIRGIL
Nobody's got a gun!


NICK
Good to know. I hate it when you reach in to get an ice pop and a crazy guy in the freezer tries to blow your face off.
VIRGIL
Does that happen to you often?
NICK
More often than ya think. Doesn't he get cold in there?
HARMON
(Muffled)
Did he say he was gonna blow my face off, Virgil?!?

VIRGIL
NO!

NICK
I'd be wearing gloves if that was me in there. He must have really good circulation.

VIRGIL
He does, but unfortunately, it doesn't reach his brain.
NICK
I can see that. He had a lot of trouble with my breakfast order.
HARMON
Sorry about that... uh, hon!
NICK
There he is with the "hon" again.
HARMON
I told ya, Virg! Reason number two!

SFX: RUSTLING IN THE FREEZER


NICK
(Curious)
Why'd he put that box of ice cream sandwiches on his head?
VIRGIL
I think he's trying to keep you from seeing him. And he's an idiot.
NICK
(Understanding)
Ohhhhh... OK. You know, I thought he seemed a little "different" when he was taking our breakfast orders this morning.
(Sympathetically)
He rode the short bus to school, didn't he.

VIRGIL
Not sure. All I can say is, if science ever finds out what's wrong with him, it'll probably be really hard to pronounce.

SFX: SAL ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR
SAL
(From a distance, footsteps
approaching)
Hey, Nick, I just had a great idea.
NICK
(Irritated)
Sal, what are you doing? I told you to stay in the car and keep the engine running.

SAL
I wanna talk to that waitress guy.
HARMON
(Muffled)
Shit! Now the big one's comin' for me!

SFX: MORE FROZEN BOXES RUSTLING IN THE FREEZER CASE


NICK
You see? This is what I'm talking about, Sal. I talk, you don't listen. You never listen to me!
SAL
I heard ya.
NICK
And what do I tell you every time you say that?

          SAL       NICK           
It's not the same thing.      It's not the same thing.

SAL
I know, I know! But I wanna talk to that waitress guy. Hey, Mr., uh...
VIRGIL
Virgil.
SAL
Oh, RIGHT... Mr. Virgil. Sorry, I'm terrible with names.
NICK
That's because you don't LISTEN.
SAL
Yeah, yeah.
NICK
This is why we're in counseling, Sal.
SAL
So, Mr. Virgil, is that guy around? I don't see anybody over there at the breakfast counter.
VIRGIL
You mean Harmon? He's here in this freezer chest.

SAL
Really? Oh, yeah, that's him all right. I recognize the socks. Huh.
(Beat)
Who did it?
VIRGIL
Who did what?


SAL
Who whacked him?
VIRGIL
Whacked him?
SAL
(Explaining)
Yeah, who whacked him — you know, who clipped him...

VIRGIL
Oh, who CLIPPED him! Well, that would be Delbert Forney over at A Little Off the Top.

SAL
Wow. Guy ices your waitress right here in your shop and leaves him here on display. That's cold.
VIRGIL
It is. The temperature in that chest is set to 5 below. Nobody iced him though, he did it himself.
SAL
Really? He didn't seem that depressed this morning.

NICK
He's not dead, Sal. Look close, you can see him shivering.
SAL
(Skeptical)
I dunno...
NICK
And I watched him put those ice cream sandwiches on his head a minute ago. He's alive. Apparently he got in there voluntarily.
SAL
Oh. OK. Why?
VIRGIL
He's, uh... well -- he's hiding.
SAL
He is, huh? Well, he's doin' it wrong. I can see him.

VIRGIL
"Wrong" is how Harmon does pretty much everything.
SAL
Well, if he's not dead, I'm gonna do what I came in here for.

SFX: SAL OPENS THE LID OF THE FREEZER CHEST
HARMON
(Screams)


SFX: LID SLAMMING SHUT

HARMON (cont'd)
(Muffled)
Ow! DAMMIT!

NICK
He really likes it in there, doesn't he...

VIRGIL
(Reaching for the lid of the freezer chest)
Here, let me...

SFX: FREEZER CHEST LID OPENING
VIRGIL (cont'd)
(Angry)
Harmon, get your ass out of this freezer chest NOW.
HARMON
Make me!
VIRGIL
Harmon! I'm already gonna have to throw out out at least half the stuff in this case from you rollin' around in it! Get out of there RIGHT NOW, or I'm gonna -

(Beat, as he tries to think of a threat)
HARMON
(Daring him)
You're gonna WHAT...
(Beat)
VIRGIL
(Quietly menacing)
I'm gonna tell these nice gentlemen your middle name.
HARMON
(Shocked)
<GASP> You wouldn't dare...
VIRGIL
Watch me.

SFX: BOXES BEING CRUSHED AS HARMON CLIMBS OUT OF THE CHEST DURING FOLLOWING DIALOG

HARMON
(Accusingly, under his voice)
Low blow, Virg. Low blow.
VIRGIL
So sue me.
HARMON
I MAY sue you. One of those Nutty Buddies gave me a colonoscopy. I don't know which one. Better throw 'em all out, Virg.
VIRGIL
Good call.
HARMON
And my potential rubbing out will be on your conscience, you just remember that.

VIRGIL
I'll deal with it.

SAL
(Puzzled)
Rubbing out? There's no rubbing. Maybe a little nudging, but no rubbing.

HARMON
'Scuse me. Gotta go.

SFX: HARMON'S FOOTSTEPS RUNNING AWAY
SAL
(Exasperated)
Where's he goin' NOW? The restroom?
NICK
No, behind the counter,apparently. I guess he's still playing hide-and- seek.
(Louder, to Harmon)
You know we can still see you! You need to crouch a little lower!
(To Virgil and Sal)
He's not very good at this, is he...

FOOTSTEPS AS THEY GO TO COUNTER
SAL
Look, I'm not gonna hurt ya, Nutty Buddy Guy! Come out from back there so I can talk to you about a little business proposition I have in mind.
NICK
(Disapproving)
Oh, Sal, no. These are nice, simple people here. Let's not get them involved in anything... complicated.
SAL
It's not like that, Nick, I promise. It's just a nice little racket that I think might be good for... well, everybody! As long as everybody plays nice, if you get my drift... Hey, paesan, come on out!
VIRGIL
You better do what the man says, Harmon.
SAL
What's his name again? Harmony?
(To Harmon)
Harmony! Come on out here and talk to us.

VIRGIL
(Snickers to himself) Dunno why I never thought of that one!

HARMON
(Still terrified)
Whatever you say, sir - HON! But... before I do... You don't happen to be... POINTING anything at me, do you?

SAL
Pointing at you? Who's pointing?
NICK
Maybe he's scared of fingers...
(To Virgil)
Is he scared of fingers?
VIRGIL
No, that would be a new one.
NICK
Maybe he gets pointed at a lot.
VIRGIL
Only when he does something stupid. Which I guess adds up to most days of the week, now that I think about it. Get up, Harmon.
HARMON
(Standing up)
OK. But whatever it is, I DIDN'T DO IT!... Probably.
SAL
Forget about it. So, talkin' about your bologna here: who's your connection?

HARMON
My connection?
SAL
Yeah! Who's your bologna connection?
NICK
Allow me to translate. Who do you buy your bologna from?
HARMON
Oh! That would be the Yoders.
SAL
The Yoders? Never heard of 'em.
NICK
Do they operate out of Philly?
VIRGIL
No, the Yoders are local. They operate outta Muckey Landing.
SAL
Well, here's the thing, Harmony.
HARMON
Harm-? Yessir! Harmony here!
SAL
I got some cousins in the lunch meat business up in Philly. Brothers - identical twins. Best salamis on the East Coast.

VIRGIL
Is that so...
NICK
Oh, no, not again with the cousins, Sal!

SAL
Hey - LA FAMIGLIA! Most important thing in the world, family.
HARMON
(To himself)
"Never go against the family."
NICK
What's that?
HARMON
Never mind, Don Nicky!
(To himself)
No wait, that's the guy who gave Tatum Channing a hickey in Grease!
(MORE)
HARMON (cont'd)
(Aloud)
Go on, sir!
NICK
So. Which cousins are we talking about here?

SAL
Angelo and Bruno. You remember them. They brought those huge suprasads the last time they came up for Christmas. Salamis like torpedos, never saw anything like 'em.
NICK
Angelo's the one with the missing thumbs, right?

SAL
No, that's Bruno. Angelo's the one with the missing pinkies.
VIRGIL
That's a lot of missing digits there. How'd they lose 'em?
SAL
Eh. Bruno made a deal that went sideways with the wrong capodecina. Angelo's just careless with the slicer.

VIRGIL
Oh. That's too bad.
SAL
Nah. Now you can tell 'em apart.
NICK
That Bruno... talk about a real
gabbagool.


VIRGIL
(Confused)
OK...

NICK
Angelo's just a chooch.
VIRGIL
(Still confused)
Right...
NICK
Kinda like your associate behind the counter there.

VIRGIL
   Oh! Ok. You mean they're idiots!
NICK
Bingo.
SAL
Shit! Now I lost my train of thought.
NICK
Sal! Language...
SAL
Ah, jeez. I'll put a buck in the swear jar when we get home.
HARMON
Your swear jar costs you a DOLLAR? I only have to put a quarter in ours!
SAL
You got a swear jar, too?
HARMON
(Still jittery)
Yeah. Virgil keeps it down there by the cash register. Most of the money in there's mine.
SAL
Why don't you go get it for me.
HARMON
What...? Oh. No... you don't want OUR swear jar. There's only about...um, maybe... eighty-four dollars and seventeen cents in there.
Approximately.
VIRGIL
(Quietly)
Harmon, you heard the man. Go get the jar.

SFX UNDER THE FOLLOWING: HARMON'S FOOTSTEPS, SWEAR JAR LIFTED, HARMON'S FOOTSTEPS COMING BACK


HARMON
(Talking to himself)
Shit, if I'da known we were gonna get robbed, I'd have stolen the jar first and blown it on a strip show at the Tits and Grits. Except I woulda had to stop by the bank first and change it out in dollars. The girls don't like it when you try to stuff quarters in their g-strings... Trixie said it made her feel like a slot machine.
(Beat)
Man, that girl's got a mean right hook.

SFX: VERY HEAVY JAR FULL OF COINS PLACED ON COUNTER
VIRGIL
Harmon, haven't I told you not to put pennies in there? It takes longer to sort when we gotta count pennies.
HARMON
Now, I got a GOOD excuse on that one, Virg. You remember that day Doral called in and placed an order for twenty-three bagel bologna burgers for her office, every one customized with different condiments and pickles and onions and I don't know what all, and then cancelled it at the last minute?


VIRGIL
Oh, right.
HARMON
Had to empty my pockets on that one, AND clean out my secret emergency quarter stash behind the dishwasher. I gave the jar everything I had and still owed three dollars and twenty- three cents.

(A beat)
VIRGIL               HARMON
Fuckin' Doral. Fuckin' Doral.

SFX: A BEAT, THEN SOUND OF 2 QUARTERS DROPPED IN THE VERY FULL JAR


SFX: A BEAT, THEN ONE MORE QUARTER DROPPED INTO THE SWEAR JAR

NICK
Sal! WHY would you contribute to somebody else's swear jar?
SAL
It's cheaper here.
NICK
OUR swear jar is for saving up for a trip to Aruba. The money in OUR jar is still OUR money! You put money in somebody else's swear jar, then it's THEIR money.

SAL
It's a quarter, Nick.
NICK
You're unbelievable, you know that?
SAL
Yeah. That's why ya love me. Now where was I? Oh, yeah, Harmony's bologna. Listen, I can hook you up with Angelo and Bruno, and get you meats like you wouldn't BELIEVE!
Prosciutt', suprasad --
HARMON
Yeah, but the Yoders --
SAL
Mortadell’, gabbagool --
HARMON
Gabba-what? --
SAL
You know — gabbagool, ham!
VIRGIL
(To Nick)
Nick, didn't you just say "gabbagool" means "idiot"?

NICK
Yeah. Idiot, ham, whatever... It's a very flexible word.

SAL
And cheese! Muzzarell’, provolon', rigott' -

HARMON
(Apologetic)
I just need bologna.
SAL
AND bologna. So whaddaya say?
HARMON
(nervous again)
What do I say? I dunno, I guess, um... ya know, I, uh... I don't speak real good delicatessen Italian like you do, I mean, like, you're FLUENT with all the goombas and regazzas and shit. I shoulda paid more attention to Grandma Valenziano when she was yellin' at me. Virgil? What do I say...?

VIRGIL
  Nothin' that makes sense, usually.
(Heavy sigh)
So exactly what are you proposing here, Sal?

SAL
Yeah, here's the deal. I hook you up with Angelo and Bruno. You order your meat from them — at under-the-counter prices, I may add — and Nick and I take a teeny little taste off the top. You know, just to wet our beaks a little and keep everything running smooth, if ya get my drift.
VIRGIL
Well, we're pretty happy with the Yoders' bologna.
NICK
You are.
HARMON
Oh, yeah. Plus it might make the Yoders mad if we stop buying their bologna. Those guys never smile as it is. I really don't wanna piss 'em off any more than they already are.
NICK
C'mon, they're Amish. How scary can they be? Don't they take an oath to stay peaceful and never fight?
VIRGIL
No, that's the Quakers.
NICK
Oh. I thought Amish and Quakers were the same thing. On account of the hats.

VIRGIL
The thing is, our local Amish sect isn't like your normal Amish.
NICK
How so?
VIRGIL
Well, they belong to an offshoot sect — the Schundanpist Order.
Started back in the twenties with a bunch of Amish who got thrown out of the local group 'cause they didn't tie their shoes right or whatever, so they formed their own sect and made up new rules about how to be Amish.
NICK
They're still Amish, though, right? How different can they be?
VIRGIL
They grow weed as a cash crop and get together on Friday nights for hardcore rake fights.
NICK
Rake fights?
VIRGIL
Yeah. It's kind of like WWE, except with garden rakes. It can be pretty brutal. You ever see any one-eyed Amish fellas, you know they're from around here.

NICK
Fascinating. I'd like to meet some of these tough Amish.
(Beat)
But back to business. Sal. Would it make you happy if they do this little deal for you?

SAL
It would.
NICK
OK. So, Virgil — and... whats-yer- name, Freezer Chest Guy — it would make my friend Sal here very happy if you accepted his little offer.
HARMON
But the Yoders —
NICK
And it would make Sal very sad not to do this little deal. Wouldn't it, Sal.

SAL
(Deadpan)
Yeah. I'd cry my eyes out.
NICK
And I don't like it when Sal is sad. It makes him very hard to live with.
VIRGIL
I think what Harmon is tryin' to say is the Yoders —

NICK
I understand. You have a long-term business relationship with them, a history. Change can be hard.
HARMON
Yeah. Plus if I tell 'em I don't want their bologna anymore, I'll probably die in a mysterious hit-and-run buggy accident.

SAL
Oh, is that all? No worries!
HARMON
Easy for YOU to say!

NICK
No, Sal's right, no worries at all. You see, we have over thirty years' experience in the protection racket — er, business.

SAL
Yeah, I started when I was fourteen, runnin' numbers for the Italian Lottery.

VIRGIL
Sounds like an important job for a young'un.

SAL
Nah, it's entry-level.
NICK
We're retired now, of course, but I assure you we are experts at protecting our business partners and their interests. I can give you my personal guarantee that if any of the Amish have a problem with you, then they'll have a problem with us. And they do NOT want to have a problem with us.

SAL
People who have a problem with us end up regretting it.
VIRGIL
They do, do they?
NICK
They do. Our offer, which, I may add, is very generous, is our welcome gift to you. You don't wanna be lookin' a gift horse in the mouth, now, do ya?
HARMON
I don't know... If I do, will the horse's head end up in my bed?
SAL
You watch too many movies.
VIRGIL
That's what I've been tellin' him.

SAL
So whaddaya say?
VIRGIL
Sounds pretty decent to me, if the deal is as good as you say. Couldn't hurt to give it a trial run...
SAL
Do we have a deal, Harmony?
HARMON
(Weakly)
I don't —
NICK
(Clears his throat)
HARMON
Yes, sir.
NICK
Excellent. Does that make you happy, Sal?


SAL
It does.
NICK
Good. I did not want to listen to you whining about it for the next three months.

SAL
What are you sayin'? I don't whine!
NICK
You do. When you don't get your way, you whine.

SAL
Well, you snore.
NICK
Don't go there.
SAL
Yeah, yeah, yeah ...

NICK
Basta.
(Changing the subject, to Virgil)
I need to pay for this, please.
SAL
What are ya hidin' there, Nick?
NICK
I'm buying you a little gift.
SAL
Aw, you didn't have to do that! What is it?

NICK
Just wait until I pay for it, would ya?

VIRGIL
If you folks wanna just follow me to the cash register...
NICK
Of course.
VIRGIL
Lemme just put this jar back by the register where it belongs.

SFX: VIRGIL LIFTS THE SWEAR JAR AND TAKES IT WITH HIM; VIRGIL, NICK AND SAL WALK TO THE OTHER END OF THE COUNTER
HARMON
(From a slight distance as they
leave)
I'll just stay here, if nobody minds...

NICK
Good thinking. Closer to the emergency ice cream freezer in case you need to hide again.

SFX: VIRGIL PUTS THE SWEAR JAR ON THE COUNTER
VIRGIL
All righty. What have ya got there?

SFX: PAIR OF NAIL CLIPPERS PACED ON COUNTER
VIRGIL (cont'd)
One pair of nail clippers. That'll be three-forty-nine.
SAL
Nail clippers!
NICK
And what's the total?
VIRGIL
Three-forty-nine.
NICK
No, I mean with — oh, right. I keep forgetting about the "no sales tax" thing. I like that -- it feels like we're getting away with something.

SFX: NICK HANDS OVER BILLS
There you are.

VIRGIL
Thank you.

SFX: CASH REGISTER SEQUENCE - RING UP SALE, OPEN DRAWER, DEPOSIT MONEY, GRAB SOME COINS, TEAR OUT RECEIPT, HAND THEM TO NICK

VIRGIL (cont'd)
(Handing change and receipt to Nick)
There's your fifty-one cents in change, and your receipt. You want a bag?

NICK
No, thanks. Here, Sal, NOW you can have it.

SAL
(Sulking)
I don't want it.
NICK
Take it. Use it. And maybe next time you try on your brand-new pair of souvenir socks in the car, your big toe won't rip a hole in them before we even make it back to the house.

SAL
Jeez, Nick, you don't have to tell everybody! Fanabola!
NICK
Sal, really?

SFX: QUARTERS DROPPED IN THE SWEAR JAR

NICK (cont'd) There. You can have my change back for what Sal just said.

SFX: DOOR OPENS, STREET NOISE UNDER THE FOLLOWING, INCLUDING NICK AND SAL'S CAR IDLING JUST OUTSIDE
PSYCHO BOB
(Yelling)
HARMON! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!
HARMON
(Running up from the end of the counter)
Psycho Bob! SHUT UP! Now is NOT a good time to talk about killing me!
PSYCHO BOB
(Shouting)
I'M GONNA STRING YOUR GUTS ACROSS MY BACK YARD LIKE A CLOTHESLINE!
HARMON
Cut it OUT! I don't need you giving anybody any ideas!
(To Nick and Sal)
Don't pay any attention to him, he's just kidding.
PSYCHO BOB
(Shouting)
I WILL FILET YOU LIKE A FISH AND SERVE YOU AS SUSHI!
HARMON
OK, look, that sounds like fun, but I'm kinda BUSY right now...
PSYCHO BOB
(Normal voice)
Oh, OK. How about Saturday?
HARMON
Saturday's good. You come back Saturday and we'll talk.
PSYCHO BOB
(Shouting)
I LOOK FORWARD TO YOUR EXCRUCIATINGLY PAINFUL, BLOODY DEATH!

SFX: DOOR CLOSES.
SAL
I like that guy!
HARMON
(Weakly)
Oh, great.
NICK
Sal. Why don't you do what I asked you to do in the first place, and go start the car and let the air conditioner run. You know I can't take this heat.

SAL
Oh, no worries there, Nick. I left the car running. It's gonna be nice and cool when we get in.
NICK
You left it running? Out on the street in broad daylight? Maronna mia! Somebody's probably stolen it by now!

SAL
It's OK, Nick, calm down! What kind of dummy do you think I am? I locked it before I came in!
NICK
You locked it.
SAL
Yeah!

NICK
With the key?
SAL
No, with the little button on the armrest.

NICK
And where might your key be?
SAL
My key? It's in the car. I left the car running so it can stay cool. You need the key to run the car, Nick, you know that.

NICK
It's in the car.
SAL
Yeah.
NICK
In the LOCKED car.
SAL
Right.
(Beat)
You have your key with you, don't you?

NICK
Was I driving today? No. YOU are the driver. I am the passenger.
SAL
Oh.
NICK
I didn't need the key to be a passenger. So MY key is hanging on the key rack by the front door, while YOUR key is in the ignition switch... of the locked car.
(Beat)
Are you beginning to see the big picture here, Sal?
SAL
Uh... yeah. I think I do.
VIRGIL
Locked your key in the car, did ya?
NICK
It appears that way, yes.


VIRGIL
Are the windows cracked?
SAL
No. I was trying to keep the car cool, like Nick said.

VIRGIL
No problem. Lemme just call Chief Cheefe and get him over here to jimmy the lock.

NICK
Chief Cheefe?
VIRGIL
Yeah, Neville Cheefe. He's our local police chief.

HARMON
That's a GREAT idea! Let's get the cops over here!

NICK
(Slightly alarmed)
Uh, I think, um, I'd rather get a PROFESSIONAL to take care of this little problem, that's a classic car, very expensive. No need to bother the local constabulary. How about that guy out on the highway?
VIRGIL
Bob Firken? Oh, yeah, he can do it. Lemme give him a call.
NICK
We'll wait out front.

SFX: FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPENS. VIRGIL PICKS UP PHONE RECEIVER, DIALS, PHONE RINGS A FEW TIMES UNDER THE FOLLOWING DIALOG
HARMON
Virgil, wouldn't it be better to call Chief Cheefe?

VIRGIL
No, Nick's right — that's a nice car, Chief Cheefe might scratch it up trying to get into it.

HARMON
(Desperately hinting)
But it might be a good idea if the chief met Nick and Sal, here, right? RIGHT?

VIRGIL
Oh, they'll meet them sooner or later, it's a small —

SFX: DORAL PICKS UP
DORAL
Thank you for callin' Firken's Lube'N'Tune. Whaddaya want.
VIRGIL
Oh, hey. Is Bob there?
DORAL
He's busy. Whaddaya want.
VIRGIL
Well, we need to get him over here to the Market, Diner and Hardware Emporium. We've got a customer who locked his keys in the car. The car's still runnin', so we need to get Bob out here pretty quick.
DORAL
What kind of dumbass pulls a stunt like that?


VIRGIL
Do what?
DORAL
Something the matter with your hearing?


VIRGIL
No, I —

DORAL
I SAID, what kind of dumbass pulls a stunt like that?

VIRGIL
Well, just between you and me, he may be related to my business partner here, given what I've seen during our short acquaintance.
HARMON
Who you talkin' about, Virg?
DORAL
(Bored)
Well THAT sounds interesting! Please, tell me exactly what's goin' on. In detail.

HARMON
Who's related to me, Virg?
VIRGIL
I told you, he locked his keys in the car and the car's still runnin'.
HARMON
I didn't do that, that was Sal.
VIRGIL
(To Harmon)
Shut up, would ya?
DORAL
EXCUSE ME?
VIRGIL
Oh, sorry, I was talkin' to somebody who's being EXTREMELY ANNOYING.
HARMON
I am not!
DORAL
Who you callin' ANNOYING, Mister?
VIRGIL
NOT you! I was talkin' to somebody else!


HARMON                    DORAL
Well, EXCUSE me!         Well, EXCUSE me!

VIRGIL
Look, I don't wanna argue with you, lady! I just need to get somebody out here to help with this car!
DORAL
Why don't ya call Chief Cheefe? He unlocks cars. He did mine a couple of weeks ago.

VIRGIL
The customer doesn't —
HARMON
Which customer?
DORAL
I'd left the car running to keep the air conditioning goin' while I made a quick run into the Total Booze and More store, and apparently I locked it as I was getting out.
VIRGIL
I'm tellin' ya, the customer doesn't —

HARMON
Doesn't what?
DORAL
I needed to get a fifth of Jack, a couple of six-packs of Bud Lite and a bottle of Boone's Farm for a date I had that night? So I didn't need to be haulin' that big ol' purse into the store with me. My cell phone has one of those little pockets on the back for credit cards, so I just took that and left my purse on the front seat.

VIRGIL
Yeah, that's kinda what happened —
HARMON
WHAT happened? When?
DORAL
I didn't even realize I'd locked it until I came back out and tried to open the door. Force of habit, I guess.


VIRGIL
Can I —
HARMON
Are they still talkin' about me?
VIRGIL
No, she's telling me about her date.
HARMON
Cool.
DORAL
Excuse me, I'm TALKIN'... Jesus wept. SO. I had to cool my heels for half an hour out in that hot sun waitin' for Chief Cheefe to show up with his skinny little crowbar lockpick thingie. At least I had somethin' to drink.

VIRGIL
If we could just —
HARMON
Does she sound ha, ha, ha- sexy?
DORAL
And of course the guy turned out to be a total loser! I hate it when they sneak out in the middle of the night like that without even botherin' to wake ya up to say good-bye... So tell me how it happened.
VIRGIL
What, your date goin' wrong? I can make a few guesses...
HARMON
Oooo, I smell opportunity ...
DORAL
Don't you be getting personal there, Mister! I meant your car problem!
VIRGIL
It happened the usual way! By accident! The same way you did it! Why is that even important!
HARMON
Wow, she's givin' you ALL the dirty details! Way to go, Virg!

DORAL
Would you please tell Beverly to shut the hell up again? Hell's bells, I can barely hear myself think!
VIRGIL
Beverly...! Oh, jeez, it's YOU isn't it... Crap. She did it again. She got me.

HARMON
You know her? What's her name? Can I have her if you don't want her?
VIRGIL
You wanna know her name? You want her? You got it! Her name is DORAL.
HARMON
WHAT?!?
VIRGIL
Yeah. 
(Beat)
VIRGIL                           HARMON
Fuckin' Doral.                    Fuckin' Doral.
DORAL
Ya got me, Virgy. Wow, I thought we were goin' for a new record there!
VIRGIL
Doral, when did you start workin' for Bob Firken?

DORAL
Oh, he's my latest client. My answering service business is growin' by leaps and bounds, ya know.
Apparently, a little dose of Doral in your day is just what this town needs!

VIRGIL
This town needs a little dose of Doral like it needs a dose of the clap. Doral, I've got a customer here who needs help.
DORAL
Who is it?
VIRGIL
It's a couple of new guys. Just moved here from New York.
DORAL
Ooo, new blood! Two of 'em, huh? Put one of 'em on!

VIRGIL
Oh, I don't know if you wanna mess with these guys, they're, uh -- Huh... Hey, ya know what? I'll be HAPPY to let you talk to 'em! Hang on a sec.
(To Harmon)
Harmon, go get Nick and Sal, would ya?

HARMON
Shit, Virg, why you wanna bring 'em back in here? We just got rid of 'em without anybody gettin' fitted for cement overshoes! That was my whole goal this morning!
VIRGIL
(Speaking low to Harmon so Doral
can't hear)
Just go get 'em. They may just help us get Doral out of our hair.
HARMON
Whaddaya mean?
VIRGIL
I mean, if these guys are the kind of guys you think they are, ol' Doral might just need to pick up and leave town if she pisses 'em off. And I can guarantee she's gonna piss 'em off!

VIRGIL (cont'd) They'll be here in just a second, Doral. Harmon's gone to get 'em.
(To Harmon)
Harmon! GO!

SFX: HARMON'S FOOTSTEPS, LEAVING


HARMON
(off mic as he leaves)
Why do I have to go get 'em? You just know if anybody pulls a gun, I'M the one gonna get it! That's ALWAYS how it goes!


SFX: DOOR OPENS
VIRGIL
So, Doral, there's two of 'em, Nick and Sal. Sal's the one who locked the keys in the car, and Nick's not real happy about it.

HARMON
(Off mic)
Uh, guys? Virgil says the Lube'N'Tune wants to talk to you.


SFX: DOOR CLOSES, FOOTSTEPS (NICK, SAL, AND HARMON)
DORAL
Whatever.
VIRGIL
Here ya go, Sal. They got some questions, I guess.

SFX: FOOTSTEPS
NICK
Questions! Our car is locked and we want them to unlock it! How hard IS that?

SAL
(On the phone)
Yeah,hello.

DORAL
Whaddaya want? Oh, hang on, wrong script... Hey there, who you callin'?
SAL
The,uh, what was it? The Lubricated Tune, I think it was...
DORAL
Hang on, I'll put ya through.

SFX: DIAL TONE, THEN DIALING
DORAL (cont'd)
(Bored)
Thank you for callin' the Route One Doc In a Box, don't miss our Tattoo Tuesday Special, whaddaya want.
SAL
Wait, what?
DORAL
Please tell me the nature of your emergency, and don't take a month of Sundays to do it either. I am in a horn-tossin' mood today.
SAL
You're... WHAT?
DORAL
I been runnin' all over hell's half-acre this mornin' tryin' to find somebody to fix my air conditioner, that's what. It is hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch here in this house.

SAL
Lady, I'm havin' a real hard time understandin' what you're sayin'. Do you speak English?
DORAL
Oh, you want ENGLISH! Please press one for English.
SAL
Oh. Ok.


SFX: ONE BEEP


DORAL
There, ya feel better now, asshole?
SAL
WHAT?!?... Is this the Lubricated Tune?

DORAL
Is this the what?
SAL
Is this the Lubricated Tune.


DORAL
Never heard of it. Wait - are you lookin' for that music store up in Dover? What is it, B and B Music?
SAL
I don't need an Air BnB, I need the Lubricated Tune!
DORAL
(Exasperated)
I am not understandin' you, mister. Do you have a medical emergency, or do you need a room for the night? If you have a medical emergency, I suggest you stop tying up the line here at the Doc in a Box and call nine-one-one.

SAL
Did you say Doc in a Box? Is this a doctor's office?
DORAL
Maybeeee...
NICK
Why are you talkin' to a doctor's office?

SAL
I dunno. The guy handed me the phone, and this nurse was on the other end.
NICK
Must be a wrong number. See if she's got a number for the Lube'N'Tune.
SAL
Oh, it's LUBE'N'Tune! Maybe that's why she couldn't understand me.
DORAL
Oh, you want the Lube'N'Tune! Hang on just a second, I'll put you through.
SAL
(A little surprised)
Oh, OK. Thank you.
NICK
Here, lemme talk to 'em.


SFX:NUMBER BEING DIALED ON THE PHONE. DORAL PICKS UP.
DORAL
Thank you for callin' Firken's Lube'N'Tune, You Lease It, We Grease It. Please tell me the nature of your emergency.

NICK
The what of my what?
DORAL
Whaddaya want.
NICK
Oh. We're locked out of our car, and the motor is runnin'.
DORAL
What'd you do a dumb-ass thing like that for?

NICK
It wasn't me. It was Sal. He wasn't thinkin'.

DORAL
He should get a job at this place. He'd fit right in.
NICK
So who am I talkin' to here?
DORAL
Who wants to know?
NICK
I do.
DORAL
And who would you be?
NICK
I'm Nick. I got a car problem.
DORAL
Sir, every asshole who calls this dang number has got some sort of a car problem. You're gonna have to be a LOT more pacific than that.
NICK
What's that?


DORAL
What's what?
NICK
I didn't understand what you just said.

DORAL
Jesus wept. Now listen, Dick —
NICK
It's Nick.
DORAL
Whatever. I told you before I am in a horn-tossing mood today. We are
short-handed here, Slick —
NICK
Nick!
DORAL
Whatever.
NICK
See, he left the car runnin' to keep it cool —

DORAL
Who did, pal? 

NICK
Sal!
(Beat)
DORAL
You're not from here, are ya. I need you to slow it down there, Speed Racer.

NICK
(Slowly)
Is this the Lubricated Tune.
DORAL
It's the Lube'N'Tune, genius.
NICK
Sal! Now you got ME talkin' stupid!
(To Doral)
Lady, I recognize that attitude. You ever spent any time in New York?
DORAL
No, but I had a temp job up there once.

NICK
Oh, yeah? Where'd ya work?
DORAL
Gambino Construction. I was a receptionist.

NICK
In Queens? 
DORAL
Yeah!
NICK
Oh my God, I KNEW I recognized that voice! Is this... DORAL?
DORAL
It is! Wait... Nick. Nick COSTELLO?
NICK
YEAH! Hey, Sal! Guess who I'm talkin' to!
SAL
Who? 
NICK
Doral! 
SAL
Bernstein? 
NICK
Yeah!
SAL
Oh, wow, seriously? I shoulda picked up on that! I love that gal!
NICK
Yeah, me, too! She reminds me of your Aunt Rose!

DORAL
So, Nick, you and Sal still together?


NICK
Yeah, fifteen years now! He's right here!

DORAL
Well, you tell him Doral says "Hey, sugar!"

NICK
Doral says to tell you "Hey, sugar!"
VIRGIL
Harmon... what just happened here?
HARMON
I don't know, Virg. But I'm scared.
VIRGIL
That didn't go at all like I thought it would.


HARMON                   VIRGIL
Fuckin' Doral!             Fuckin' Doral!

SFX: MUSIC UNDER


OUTRO - NARRATOR
Hi there - I'm Chris Polo, creator of Muckey Landing. So the podcast awards season has nearly come to a close for us, and here's how we did. Muckey Landing was an official selection of this year's New Jersey Web Fest, the Baltimore Next Media Web Fest, the Apulia Web Fest in Apulia, Italy, the Miami Web Series Festival, and the Swedish International Film Festival. So far, we've brought home four awards: Best Podcast and Best Podcast Director from the Baltimore New Media Web Fest, Best Director of a Narrative Fiction Podcast from the New Jersey Web Fest, and Audiodrama of the month from the Swedish International Film Festival.

I'd like to give a shoutout to our Canadian listeners. Thanks to you, Muckey Landing has been in the top 100 comedy fiction podcasts this entire month! Keep it up, eh!

This episode, "The Bologna Connection" featured Mike Polo as Virgil Slatter, Bruce Leister as Harmon Truesdale, John Zinzi as Nick Costello, Steve Caporiccio as Sal Bambino, Dave Crown as Psycho Bob, and Patti Gatto as Doral Bernstein.

Sound design and editing is by Mike Polo, and our theme song and incidental music is written and performed by the fortunately infraggable Jim Rezac. For more of Jim's music, check out JimRezacMusic.com.

If you're enjoying Muckey Landing, you can help us out by donating to our wishlist on Buy Me A Coffee.com. We do a lot of our own sound effects here, and we're raising money to buy a dedicated RODE shotgun microphone that will make that process even better. Just visit BuyMeACoffee.com/ MuckeyLanding.Remember, that's Muckey with an "E."

In other news, I'm working on a new website that we hope will be more informative and easier for everybody to use. That will be coming soon, so watch for it!

Finally, ratings and reviews are really important for every podcast, including ours. If you haven't rated Muckey Landing on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Podchaser, or wherever you rate podcasts, go ahead and take care of that right now. Don't make us send Doral over to your house, just do it.

So that's all the news from Muckey Landing for the moment. Thank you for listening, and we'll talk at ya next time!

BRING UP MUSIC TO END and FADE
4END#